With all this spare time on my hands, I decided to give my room a really good declutter. Honestly, you don’t realise how much stuff you have until it’s all strewn across the floor! Whilst completing this task I discovered a journal containing my thoughts and scribbles from a couple of years ago. I’d forgotten I’d even kept this!
I sat browsing through the pages when I came across a written piece I’d titled ‘The Lighthouse Keeper’. Reading through the lines, I suddenly remembered just how lost I was feeling at the time. I was in a place where my anxiety and doubts were digging away at my faith; I found myself questioning if God really existed over and over again. Also, I found myself wrestling with the fear of dying, that unknown certainty of what happens next. I would lie awake overthinking the same question, ‘What is the point of life?’. All of these thoughts and feelings combined together were driving me crazy, and I was on the brink of walking away from God completely.
It was whilst I was on holiday in 2018, spending the day at the coast, when it hit me. Just as if a switch had been flicked on. I remember looking out across the vastness of the ocean, thinking how could this have just happened by chance? For months I had been searching for solid proof that God was real, yet evidence of His existence was all around me, displayed throughout His wondrous creation. Bit by bit, all my doubts and questions subdued and my battered faith began to build up, as I began seeking more of God. I realised that I didn’t need to know all the answers, I just needed to trust in God and the promises and truths found within the Bible. Even when I felt so alone in my struggles, God had not left me. Simply my doubts had just clouded my vision. Just like a Lighthouse Keeper when ships become caught in the storm, God sparked his light in my darkness when I needed Him most, and He guided me through to safety.
I took my eyes from the light and I found myself grounded, Grounded in a barren place, A place of despair and doubt. All I once knew seemed lost, I questioned my faith, my beliefs, my existence, Stuck grounded in this place of tormoil, I wanted to believe but it just wasn't believable. To ashamed to admit my distress, No SOS call did I make, Instead I remained grounded. I couldn't sleep for fear An overwhelmingly fear of the unknown and the haunting reality of the limited time I own. I crippled myself with these thoughts, why me? Why am I the type of person so obsessed with control and that craving for answers, Why can't I be as care free as the wild creatures who also roam this earth? The whizzing and whirling of questions absorbing my energy day by day, Never shifting, never fading but are grounded inside my head. I needed an escape,but how? How can I free myself from this unending feeling of anxious existence? Do I confront my greatest fear and delve into the vast emptiness of what next? It seemed the most logical solution, But something inside me would not let me dwell upon this concept. I was grounded, Staring across the calmness of the sea, The gentle ebb and flow, The waves breaking upon the cliffs, The birds gliding effortlessly on the breeze, Such beauty that surrounds me, I had not stopped to look, This was not formed by chance but was formed for the chance, The chance that I would realise the answers I have been searching for have been right there all the time. The Creator of my Earth has control of all before me, Not just the sea I see or the air breeze that I breathe, But the future of my existence, before and beyond my comprehension, Why allow the fears of the unknown consume me further when the answers have been displayed to me so clearly. The Bible has lay dusty beside me for too long, Inside contains the promises that keep me grounded, Not grounded in despair and doubt, But in hope and freedom. Upon this realisation the clouds lifted and the light was visible once more, Never had the light left me but my doubts had simply covered it, Finally, I could leave this place I have so longed to leave, And venture onwards following that guiding light towards a destination unknown but known by the one who holds all the plans, The Lighthouse Keeper.
Fast forward two years, and I can clearly see how much my faith has flourished and grown massively since that day. It’s not all been uphill, as in between there have been other moments where doubts have started to creep back in. However, instead of allowing myself to fall back into a grounded place of despair, I am able to rest in the truth of God’s word and the encounters I have had with God, to carry me through them.
Finding this journal has been a great reminder of how much God has worked within me. It’s very easy to forget how far we have come in our Christian journey, especially in the smaller moments when our faith has been strengthened. Writing has been a way I express my thoughts and feelings, and I find it the best way for me to connect with God and spend time with Him.
If you also enjoy writing, then I would challenge you to keep your own journal to record your thoughts, doubts, questions etc. in order to see how God is working in your life over time. If writing is not for you, then why not try a similar approach through music or art, or anything that captures your interest.
Overall, the main point to remember is God has and is doing amazing things in your life. You may not see it clearly now, but one day you will reflect back, as I have done, and see for yourself how much your faith has matured and developed. Each season we encounter provides us with different opportunities to be challenged, strengthened, humbled, weakened, blessed etc. all with the intention of moulding us into the person God created us to be.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1
“When I said, “My foot is slipping” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
Psalm 94: 18-19
““Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!””
Mark 9:24
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6
God Bless! 🙂
STEADFAST 